As part of my SHIFTERS AND GLYPHS launch, the awesome folks at The Book Bratz have asked me to list the top five characters that I’d love to interview. So without further ado, here goes!
FIVE. The Balrog, Lord of the Rings
My interview: “Look, I get how you think Gandalf woke you up in Moria and that got your demonic self mightily pissed off. So then, you went out cracking your whip and showing some attitude. Fine. But why not just let it end with ‘get off my lawn’ or the equivalent? Why fight freaking Gandalf until you got your molten ass smote against a mountainside? I feel like there’s more here to know. Also: were you wearing fuzzy bunny slippers during the battle? The text is unclear on that point.” (Note: the text is unclear. Seriously.)
FOUR. Hermione, all Harry Potter books
“Let’s get into a little trust tree here and talk. Don’t you really-really-REALLY want to be with Harry? I mean, Ron is nice but he’s … Ron. You’d have weasel in your last name forever. Not that it’s a deal breaker but it’s a point of consideration. Plus, I feel like you’re just not doing your full due diligence. Would it hurt to have just one little kiss to test things out with Harry and then report back? Go ahead and do it now. I’ll wait.”
THREE. Vivian (Julia Roberts), Pretty Woman
“From the start of the movie, you wanted to go back to school. So awesome and interesting!!! But for what? Cleary, it wasn’t a Masters in Advanced Prostitution, so where did you want to direct all your non-passionate passion? And did you ever go back to school after driving away with Edward (Richard Gere)? I’m dying to know. Personally, I think there should be a follow-up movie where you get your MBA and run companies together with Edward. Discuss.”
TWO. Bella, Twilight
“Awesome book 1, but I do have a little nit to pick. So while your honey is off fighting the big bad, you’re totally scared. Makes sense. But cowering is just not a good look on anybody. How about a few shouts of ‘great job’ or ‘on your left!’ You could also throw a shoe or something, just putting it out there. Thoughts?”
ONE. Anastasia, 50 Shades of Grey
“It’s just us girls here. I get having fun, but honestly? How many gallons of cranberry juice did you guzzle through that relationship because OW.”
That’s it! My top five character interviews. And yes, I do keep a running list of these things. Assuming I haven’t offended folks too badly, I look forward to doing this again soon!