I’m A Badass In Love

by Ruby the Dog

There’s this mutt at doggie day care

Name’s Hugo

He’s a bad dog, you know what I mean

Breaks out of the play area

Goes for the treat display by the front door

Gets off-leash in the dog park, too

He’s a bad boy

He’s my man

We play together

Rough-house, you know how it is

I may not have ovaries, but dammit, I have instinct

And that instinct says one thing: MINE

But then…

Hugo turns into a little two-timing bastard!

A new dog joins doggie daycare

She’s a girlie poodle bitch named Isis

Yeah, like the terrorists

Hugo tries to play with her

Wrong, choice, my friend!

I grab his collar with my teeth and drag him off

Girl’s gotta take care of what’s hers, you know?

She still doesn’t get the message

So Hugo naps on a window ledge at daycare

I guard that spot like it’s my job

Isis sneaks in

Back off, you fluffy little fool!

Isis gets too close, I flatten her curly poodle ass

I’m a Golden Retriever, dammit!

I didn’t leave any marks on Isis

None you can see anyway

Because when you feel like this?

There’s no stay, sit or heel

I’m a badass in love

Ruby the Dog, wagging her tail as she takes Hugo down